How to create love, strengthen marriage and find your soulmate is a very common question we all deal with.
We have learned a very powerful principal in that regard: Love flows in the direction of giving.
It is said “If you want to keep close to the love of your friend make it your concern to seek his welfare.”
Love that Stems from Giving
Love of this kind can go very deep indeed. Let us observe what is written in God’s Torah. (This is the only source from which we can learn the true depths of the human heart, for only the Creator knows the secrets of the human soul that He has created.)
We find there that among the categories of men permitted to return home before a battle are the following:
- whoever has built a new house and not consecrated it … and
- whoever hasp lanced a vineyard and not redeemed it … and
- whoever has wedded a woman and not taken her to his home.
All are treated in exactly the same way: the builder of the house and the planter of the vineyard equally with the new husband who is involved in the most intimate of human relationships.
The Torah thus reveals to us that the love we bear to the fruit of our labors is directly comparable with the love of a man for his betrothed. There can be no doubt that this is an example of the love produced by the power of giving.
Creating a Strong Family Bond
We knew a young married couple whose little son was the delight of their lives. War overtook the town where they lived and they were forced to flee. It so happened that the young mother was away from home on that day; the father fled with his little boy in one direction while the mother was forced to take the opposite route, and so the family was separated by the warring armies. And so they remained, separated in sorrow and yearning, all the years of the war. At last the battlefronts grew quiet, peace returned, and they were re-united—and what a happy family re-union that was!
But a remarkable thing came to light. They could no longer make good that which the years had taken away. The love between the father and his son was deeper and closer than that of the mother for the son. Was it because she had parted from him as a small boy and found him grown up? Was she still yearning for the little son she had left behind? But this is only imagination. The cruel fact was that the potential “giving” of all those years was lost beyond recall. It was the father who had trained and reared the child and had lavished on him the thousand-and-one acts of tender care which normally fall to the lot of the mother. The love which springs from all that giving had passed completely to the father.
Strengthening Love in Marriage and Dating Relationships
A person comes to love the one to whom he gives. By giving to your spouse you will find in your soul that you and he/she are one, and the bond that connects you is stronger.
For some relationships problems begin when one feels they are giving and the other is merely taking; the best relationship is when both are giving to each other.
Even if they start in small ways, even if you have to ask them to do it in the beginning, they will feel closer to you in the doing and surely will be affected by the joy they brought you and your appreciation.
Even just bringing you a cup of tea or some water, these small acts will keep you bonded together.
A person is bound in love to the work of his hands, to the house he built.
R. Eliyahu Dessler